Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Foodman: The Definitive Interview

Exactly when did you realize you had a penchant for consuming a lot of food?

I realized as a very young child that I had the appetite of a mountain man. My brother and cousins were pretty poor eaters on a regular basis. So when it was time to eat dinner at my grandmother's house, the family authority would usually ask if you wanted to be a part of a ficticious society called the "Clean Plate Club". I first realized that my appetite was somewhat strange when I never formally needed an ivitation to join. I could never understand why my siblings moved the food around the plate looking for a place to hide it all. From meats to sweets, my plate was always clean and ready for another round. In retrospect, I should have been pronounced the CEO or President of the club.

If you were on death row what would your final meal of choice be before being executed?
I would want my grandmother to make Pot Roast with butter noodles, carrots, gravy, white bread and butter, one 2 liter of coke. I would eat and drink it very slowly. (NEVER Bolt!)

Oftentimes, on tour, members of The Black Hollies hear you employ certain phrases after eating, or in between meals, which describe various functions going on inside of your body. Can you shed some light on the meanings of the following terms, the bottle (pronounced bah-uhl), the inverted crucifix, bolting, rooping, salt bath, sweet bomb, alkalizing, and any other important terms I may have left out?

The Bottle is a painful sensation in the chest that feels like a soda bottle is trapped in your lungs. This sensation is usually associted with dreadful food combinations such as pizza and coffee.

The Inverted Crucifix usually occurs when you consume something with an acid kick back. It then gives you a phenomenon similar to post nasal drip. However, the drip is more like a web being made by four invisible spiders. One spider appears to be in the larynx, two in the armpits, and one in the stomach. The four all join webs to make up what feels like an inverted crucifix. One way to purposefully attain this phenomenon is by eating two packs of caramel twix before going to bed. Good Luck!

Bolting is the act of consuming food in a quick manner. The adverse effects are more to list. Let's just say that indigestion is never fun. Properly chewing the unhealthiest of foods is better for the human body than bolting down the healthiest of foods. Bolting hot foods down with cold liquids (the ultimate sin), can give you multiple problems including violent rooping, the inverted crucifix, 42% chance of getting the bottle. You may even have an instant sneeze-fest. NO BOLTING!

Rooping (rup!) is the reaction to something making you nauseous. It is a sound associated with dry heaves and bouts of stomach un-ease stemming from an action, food or smell which may disgust you. Other words that can be used in place of Roop such as Hop, Reep, or Bop.

Simply, a salt bath is when a food is bathed in too much salt. Depending on the shape, weight and size of the product being consumed, "bath" can be replaced by words such as bake, log, stash, dog, or hunk.

A Sweet Bomb is anything ladened with sugar in any form. For example, "I'm gonna follow up my General Tso's chicken by sucking down a sweet bomb!" The sweet bomb in this situation is specifically a can of coke for Foodman. Cookies, cakes, pastries, and donuts are classic foods in the Sweet Bomb category.

I'd describe your style of eating as the perfect synthesis of what it means to simultaneously be a truck driver/mountain man and a buddhist monk. I also notice that you pay close attention to which foods you pair together for consumption. Is this something you strive for intentionally as the key to dietary survival whilst on the road or are these pairings just a matter of coincidence?

Proper food combining is the pairing of foods from different groups that properly break down together to ensure smooth sailing digestion. An example of a good combination is a protein and vegetable or a berry(fruit) and avocado (protein/fat). Generally, grain/starch should NEVER be combined with heavy protein. Tofu and lentils are permissible. Eating this way encourages you to pile on the quantity (mountain man style) while keeping a sound foundation (buddha). Nothing is coincidence. Most of what Foodman consumes on the road doesn't have enought time for pre-meditation. However, while seldom knowing where my next meal will be during travel, each meal synchronistically matches what my tastebuds desire.

What do you think of the show Man v.s. Food?

Foodman normally does not watch T.V. these days. However, one night while staying in a hotel, I caught an episode of Man vs. Food. My eyes were glued to the set as my tears ducts filled with tears. I felt crushed when I saw how much food this man could consume. However, it wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized that this is not a competetive feild for me. I love food more than the average person and get to travel around the world with my guitar, an all-day-buffet, and a good amount of stomache-ease tea. That aint so bad after all.

Any closing words of wisdom to offer?

I actually have a few messages for my audience. Please do meditate on these:
1. Everything has it's place, but when you waste food at the cost of your true happiness it is not good.
2. No matter how hard you work, never go to sleep without giving food the deepest attention.
3. Sorrow, illness, and failure are natural results of transgressions against the laws of food combining.

Can you please share with us your recipe for vegan lasagna?

I will reveal my recipe for the lasagna on the Foodman blog very soon. This will sort of be my vegan recipe "single" before my "full length" cookbook is ready for release. For those who may be curious, the book will be entitled 'The Foodman Cookery: Off The Road And Onto Your Plate." The book comes with a cd of music composed and recorded by myself which can be used while cooking or eating your meal of choice. A song from the cd will be featured on Diary Of A Foodman soon so please keep your eyes open and your stomachs filled!


Angela D said...

Amen! looking forward to future posts. you should have a Paypal button here for readers to contribute to your feasting foibles!

Anonymous said...

Awsome. As food lover myself (it runs in the family I guess), I found your post enlightening. Can't wait for the cook book.

Lisa said...

While eating a Grandma's Chocolate Chip cookie I read your definition of "bolting" "the inverted crucifix" and "the bottle". And I must say I almost wasted the precious cookie in sympathetic laughter.
Keep up the good posts Foodman!

-The LMB

Kevin D said...

absolutely brilliant. when will you begin filming the video blog version of "foodman"?

Dese said...

Early morning food should be high protein, lots of eggs, meats and some milk. The purpose is to jump start yourself. This should be followed by a good lunch. Spaghetti and meatballs or sausage is great. Dinner should be restricted to salad and fruit. Hardboiled eggs are ok, anytime. Stop drinking soda, it will kill you. Drink sparking water, with fizzies. Drink good red wine.

Anonymous said...

Great Quotes! What an appetite!